They may seem like completely unrelated realms of personal growth, but Feminine Energy Coaching can benefit greatly by incorporating the simple and profound wisdom of Nonviolent Communication.
How is Feminine Energy Coaching Related to Nonviolent Communication?
If you’ve been into personal growth for some amount of time, you’ve likely heard of Nonviolent Communication - particularly if learning how to show up better in relationships has been part of your growth journey.
If you’re not familiar, suffice to say, it has become a mainstay of healthy relational communication - focusing on “I” statements instead of often accusatory “you” language. In particular, this communication style focuses on naming one’s feelings as a foundation of honest and connective communication.
Because this communication model focuses heavily on expressing one’s feelings, it is a communication model that deeply values the feminine - since feelings, sensations and emotions are widely attributed to the feminine.
The need for Nonviolent Communication (NVC) highlights in its own way, how out of balance the healthy masculine and healthy feminine are in our current world. The struggle many people have with learning not only to feel, but to then name, and then further to healthily express what is happening within themselves, again highlights our lack of maturity, true self-awareness and feminine-masculine imbalance.
And this practice is for everyone - regardless of gender.
Show me a person who is uncomfortable with their feminine side, or wears femininity like a costume - and you will find someone who doesn’t have much true intimacy and depth of relationship with their inner world.
The feminine is also about depth.
Using the structure of NVC is something I do with nearly all of my feminine energy clients.
It often feels contrived, clunky and awkward at first - this is only because our culture is not accustomed to speaking this way. This awkwardness should not be conflated with it being wrong.
Nonviolent Romance
Many women come to work with me to become more feminine in the context of their romantic relationship.
They regularly share similar frustrations; “I can’t get him to change”, “He won’t commit”, “When will he propose?”, “If only he did xyz, I would be happy” etc.
You can find plenty of feminine energy coaches out there that will share tips and tricks to combat these frustrations. But that is often (not always) all they are - shallow tricks.
When I investigate deeper, nearly across the board, my clients will be speaking in language that is externally focused, controlling, judgmental and devoid of true heart-felt, vulnerable expression.
The thing is, it’s scary to be vulnerable. It’s scary to feel it. And, it’s scary to share it. This is why we often avoid it. But it is necessary for thriving relationships. And it is necessary for your thriving femininity.
I highly encourage you to get the book and put it into practice with more depth than I will take you through here.
Turn Your Attention Inward - At First
Essentially, instead of focusing on how he frustrates you, or what she’s doing (or not doing), turn your attention inward and notice how you’re feeling.
What sensations are present? This is a simple yet huge undertaking for many. If it’s hard to name what you’re feeling, get support to build this ‘muscle’. It will get easier, I promise.
Real vs True Feelings
Sometimes, we feel numb, or rageful. This is good to be aware of sensations like this. But they are not the True emotion at the core. Don’t misunderstand me here - these sensations are REAL, but they are not the deeper TRUTH.
Numbness and anger are protective sensations. Often we may express from this space - expressing rage and frustration outward, even violently (hence the name Nonviolent Communication). If it’s numbness we feel, we may say ‘I’m fine’ or ‘nothing’s wrong’ or be completely dissociated from what’s happening within us.
Beneath these protective layers is a tender, vulnerable Truth.
An emotion or feeling that feels scary to show. A grief, fear, sadness, hurt, smallness, hopelessness, despair, loneliness.
This is the core of what needs to be shared. When we share from this tender space, we open space for genuine heart-connection; the soft, feminine heart.
We open ourselves to be left in our grief, to be hurt further - and, this may very well happen if we share vulnerability with people who are not safe. But with the right people, with people who are moving into deeper love and connection, they will receive your vulnerability with care, tenderness, strength, warmth.
The format for this is simple; the embodiment of it takes practice.
“I feel xyz”.
Adding to this, if the feeling comes along with an unmet need, Rosenberg outlines naming the need that would soothe the feeling.
“I feel xyz. I need zyx”.
Let's Practice...
Let me illustrate a fairly common example I hear with my clients.
“I wish my husband didn’t work so late. I never get to spend time with him. What if he’s having an affair or he doesn’t love me anymore?”
The need here is pretty clear: She wants quality time with her husband. The way she’s communicating is not helpful however - she’s expressing a wish (into the ether?) and she’s speculating about worst case scenarios.
When we repeatedly speculate about worst case scenarios (without evidence or genuine intuition), we are essentially worshiping the problem, or the perceived problem. The problem then often runs away with us and we can find ourselves in a full-blown meltdown of our own doing.
This language is also externally focused on him. Other than the wish, and the need for time together, we don’t know what’s going on with her on a deeper level.
Most women can speculate though; we can assume with pretty decent accuracy what she might be feeling.
The work for the individual is to turn the focus of speculation on oneself.
What might she be feeling about this situation? Anger. Frustration. Envy. Jealousy. Worry. Anxiety. Resentful. Bitter.
Beneath that layer is the more vulnerable layer of emotion: Fear. Grief. Sadness. Hurt. Hopelessness. Loneliness. Small.
Her husband may have zero clue that she’s feeling any of these things - even after 20 years of marriage. He may only understand her outward controlling, defensive, frustrated, resentful expression, and this will push most people away to some degree.
Misbehaving Women & Men
A quick aside: When I say, ‘most women can speculate what she might be feeling’, this is a generalization obviously, and not meant to be definitive. But as a general experience as women, we tend to just ‘get it’ with other women. We are wired and nurtured more empathetically and spiritually sensitive than men (as a whole). (Again, clearly there are exceptions.) Because we can only live in our own experience, we inevitably project our lived experience onto others, assuming they have similar experiences.
If healthy communication wasn’t role-modeled in childhood, women can grow up to treat men like ‘mis-behaving women’* because the men seem to not just ‘get it’ when a woman acts a certain way.
Men can obviously treat women as mis-behaving men as well.
Reframing Expression From True Inner Sensations
So, if we take the sentence above, and rework it in the framework of NVC, it might look something like this:
“I miss spending quality time with you. When you work late most days, I feel lonely and sad that we aren’t building more connection and intimacy within our relationship. I would really enjoy a date night or a cozy night at home with you soon. Can we make that happen?”
You can see the need is expressed: Quality Time. Connection. Intimacy.
The True tender emotions are expressed: Lonely. Sad.
And, a request to potentially fulfill the need is expressed: A date night, or cozy night at home.
In the expression of a need and an emotion - it’s important to embody the heart of this. I’ve seen NVC used many times in heart-disconnected ways, and it rarely works this way.
For example, you can say, “I feel lonely and sad...” from a detached, non heart-centered way and you will likely get a detached reaction in kind - leaving both people feeling more disconnected and alone.
This is why NVC must also be embodied. Felt, and expressed from the connection to the True feeling.
Just as important, the request must be asked of the other person with just as much permission for them to say No as to say Yes.
This is a point of growth for every client I’ve worked with - how do we hold the balance of feeling tenderly, expressing vulnerably and requesting openly?
Practice with Patience & Grace
It’s not easy.
At first.
It is a practice. But with anything that we practice, it gets a whole lot easier as that ‘muscle’ gets stronger.
Don’t expect yourself to be amazing at this right away. Practice with a close friend or someone you feel safe to ‘get it wrong’ with.
Hopefully, if you have a partner, it’s safe to practice with them.
If you do practice with your partner, don’t be surprised if they initially react defensively or confused at first. It can take time for them to undo their own habits that were co-created together.
Put your hand over your heart.
Feel what’s present.
Breathe.
Take a break.
And try again.
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*This term comes from the book, The Queen's Code.
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